The ongoing saga of Janice Sophia the Groundhog
I'm about to pull into our drive when I notice an animal under our neighbor's car. I slowed to stop before I pulled into the drive. First thought, "That's an awfully big-ass cat!" Second thought, "With a weird tail." Third thought, "And it sure as hell looks like Janice Sophia." I back into our drive, get out of the car... slowly... and moved to the rear of the car. Janice scampers... well, lumbers... out from under the car and waddles to the back. She pauses and, I kid you not, glares at me before scurrying under the fence. I walk back a bit to watch her carefully. The reason why is our groundhog wrangler "groundhog proofed" our storage shed (by pounding steel fencing half way down into the ground). I wanted to see if little (not really little!) Janice Sophia could get under the shed. She waddles past the shed, manages to wedge her body under our back fence, and got to the other side where the neighbor has a shed.
So. I've decided to pen an episode of "Janice Sophia Soprano Groundhog."
Janice calls her brother, Tony: "Tony, you can't believe what they've done!"
Tony: "Calm down, Janice. I'm in the middle of eating Carmella's ziti. What the hell is it this time?"
Janice: "My home! You know the condo that I so lovingly decorated with the latest stereo system and 55-inch Ultra HD Smart TV."
Tony: "Yeah, I still don't know how the f*** you got that damn thing down there."
Janice: "Focus, Tony!"
Tony: "Get to the point. My ziti's getting cold."
Janice: "The point is you need to do something about these idiots who live in the house. They hired a wrangler to come over and first try and trap me...which, as you know, didn't work... Then they had the bitch come back and pound these steel thingies allll the way around my condo! I can't fit in there anymore!"
Janice: "I told you! You need to f***ing do something! I just saw one of the bitches get out of her car. I gave her my best, 'Do you f***ing know who my brother is??' glare. All's she did was watch to see if I could get in my condo. And the other one who lives in the house? I'm pretty sure she's Italian. She's one of us, Tony! Can you believe it? She turned on one of her own!"
Tony: "Again, Janice, what am I supposed to do?
Janice: "Do what you always do. Take. Care. Of. It."
Tony: "You know I have to lay low right now. The feds are breathing down my neck."
Janice: "But soon??"
Tony: "Yeah, yeah, yeah. Gotta go. Time to finish my cold ziti."
Janice: "But what do I do in the meantime, Tony?"
Tony: "Move, Janice. Irvington is a big place with a lot of nice backyards."
To all those worried about Ellie's well being, please know we'll be potty training her out front. When she does go out back to play, I'll make a thorough inspection of the yard and the surrounding area. And one of us will be out there at all times.
I'll be contacting the wrangler, too, for any advice....
Soooooo looking forward to meeting our girl tomorrow!